Moving on

I keep a storage bin on the floor in the kids closets to put clothes in when they grow out of them. Once its full I go through them and decide what should be taken to DI and what should go to family. I have been neglecting Carly and Burke's buckets for a while and they have been long overdue. Then last week I got a call from my niece about someone that she knew who needed some baby things and baby boy clothes. So I thought how nice it will be to pass on some of Burke's things and get rid of some more baby items in the house. This has proved to be more difficult than I thought.

Tuesday night I pulled out the bins and various baby items and started to go through them. As I'm going through the box thoughts are pouring into my brain..."Can't get rid of that or that." "Oh, Burke looked so cute in that so I can't give that away!" "What if, what if, what if...?" I'm not sure how the topic came up but Thad and I started talking about the possibility of another baby. The discussion basically ended with the decision being up to me. Since I want to be pregnant by the time I'm 30 I really only have a short time to make this decision. Nearly every thought has been consumed with deciding what I really want. Its exhausting! I finally decided that I don't know what I want- I'm good either way. I folded and got all the clothes into bags and back into the box. Now they are sitting in my shed.

I think I'm having a harder time letting go of my baby's things than the actual thought of having another baby. I associate so many memories with an outfit or a toy or a song from the mobile. Letting go of their things is making me face the reality that my kids are growing up. And since I'm afraid of them growing up obviously the right thing to do is have another baby so I can have that feeling longer. The problem is I'm having a hard time picturing myself with another baby. My new found freedom is clouding my judgement. Some days I'm content and I feel complete. Other days I really miss having an infant to nurse and cuddle. I keep telling myself that time goes by quickly. Some days may seem long and hard and like it will never end but it goes by so fast that once its over I'll be longing for it again. And that is where I am now.

I am longing for Carly to be my baby again. I'm longing for Burke to be an infant again without the belly troubles. I am longing to go back and enjoy it a little more. It seems to be the worst for me with Carly. How can she be turning 3 in March? I rock her every night. I turn on a CD and we listen to the first 3 songs every night before I put her in bed. We used to listen to the same CD when she was an infant while I nursed her and put her to bed. I miss that. And in 3 more years I'll probably miss rocking her like I do now. I don't regret rocking her to sleep. Some nights were annoying when she would cry and not go to bed for me. The show that I wanted to watch just seemed so much more important than rocking my baby to bed so I let her cry. I regret those nights. Spending 15 minutes of my time rocking my baby before bed doesn't seem like that much of a sacrifice, especially now. I wish that Burke would let me rock him before bed but that kid doesn't know how to sit still. But he wakes up at night sometimes and I go in a rock with him. I get to spend that alone time with him and cuddle him. I get annoyed sometimes because I'm really tired and I need to change my attitude. I don't spend enough time with Cayson before bed. I miss laying with him and singing songs. I used to tell him to pick 3 songs that we could sing. Usually by 5 or 6 we would finally stop singing together and I would just sing him to sleep. I haven't done that in a long time because by the time I get Burke to bed and spend 15 minutes with Carly I'm ready for ME time. I regret that. I need to give him some time too.

Moving on is hard for me. I'm not ready to move on. I'm scared of having another baby but I'm equally scared of not having another baby. And to throw in a big curve, I'm scared of being pregnant. Not scared of the pregnancy but scared of what I can't control with the pregnancy. When I got pregnant with Carly I was so excited. We celebrated because it wasn't supposed to happen so quickly. Then I got the call that my pregnancy hormone wasn't rising and that I lost her. That was the worst feeling in the world. Then after finding out that she was still there but I had lost the other 2, I still felt a loss. I am afraid of that feeling. So I think its safe to say that I'm scared of my kids growing up, having another baby, not having another baby and being pregnant. I'M SO CONFUSED!!!